Indeed, temper tantrums are a normal part of child development but at the same time they are among the biggest challenges of parenting. Before we get into how to deal with tantrums lets quickly discuss WHY our kids throw tantrums. The underlying issue more often than not boils down to a power struggle. Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting writes, “Power struggles often occur because children feel they have little to no control over their lives.” Think about it, we tell our kids where to go, when to eat, what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep, and it goes on and on. Of course they are going to be frustrated and “act out,” wouldn’t you?
When our 3 year old daughter throws a tantrum we are able to quickly nip in the bud by doing the following three things:
1. Take a Deep Breath
Let’s say for example Cyra is crying because she wants to go to the park. The first thing I will do is get down to her level and ask her to take a deep breath with me. I will do this with her a few times until she is in a more calm state. If you have trouble getting your child to take a deep breath, tell them that you can’t understand what they are saying with all the crying and to take a deep breath first.
2. Validate their Feelings
Once your child has calmed down a little, the magic phrase to use is “I know you wanted to X, but…..” So for example I would say, “Cyra my love, I know you are upset because you want to go to the park, but the reason why we can’t go right now is because it’s about to start raining outside.” You want to validate your child’s emotions. Let them know that you hear them and you understand their frustration.
3. Put the “Power” Back in your Child’s Hands
If your child is still upset give them two options to choose from. “Since we can’t go to the park right now would you like to go to the play room and play with your train set or do you want to stay here and help me cook lunch.” Obviously give your child two options that you know they would likely respond well too. Giving your child some control over his routine helps reduce power struggles.
We find that the above method works for us, but if your child is still upset and crying then choose one of the two options you mentioned and give them one more final choice. “Ok you have two more choices. #1, you can go to your room if you want to continue crying, or #2 you can go to the play room and play with your train set. Would you like option 1 or option 2?” When your child is upset it’s hard for them to really think clearly so giving them a choice between option 1 or option 2 can help them make a decision more quickly.
Last but not least, remember to remain calm throughout your child’s tantrum. Trust me I know it can be hard, especially if you are in a public space, but if we cant keep our cool how can we expect our kiddos to?
If you’re interested in learning more about gentle and positive parenting be sure to check out Janet Lansbury’s website as she offers a wealth of information and has a great podcast as well titled Unruffled. And as I mentioned earlier, I definirelu recommend Rebecca Eanes book, “Positive Parenting” For now I will leave you with one of my favorite excerpts from Eanes book…
Children do not enter this world with bad intentions. They do not come to wear us out, test our patiences, or push is over the edge. They come to us with a need for love, connection, and belonging. Yet, we’ve been taught to make them earn those things only through abiding by our rules and obeying our commands. We don’t give these things freely. What if we did? What if we satisfied the needs of their human hearts and never threatened to jerk it away. Imagine a generation of satisfied hearts!”
Please comment below if you have anything to add or share! Parenting can be hard and it really helps to learn from each other on what has or hasn’t worked.